for the past three days i have been in bed or on a couch.

this is so not how i pictured my last few days of summer.

i don't know what i'm sick with but all i know is i have a constant head ache,

my whole body aches, and it hurts to swallow.

last night i awoke to a hurricane warning and it freaked me out.

i think i stayed up for two hours freaking out and not moving.

last night i walked into town with my dog and we walked past a dog that looked like my other dog.

my dog wouldn't walk forward - she planted her feet and stood there.

i started to tear up because i miss my lab so much.

i have rediscovered ovaltine and i can't get enough.

i think i may allow comments because i want to see if anyone out there is even reading this.

or am i just writing to no one?

i kinda want to reformat the way my posts appear because this is a little unconventional.

there are so many things i want to say but i don't know how to compose it.

while i was freaking out and not able to sleep last night (this morning?), i decided i need to economize my shopping list for school.

and that i might be making a huge mistake. 

am i?

it's probably maybe 77 degrees or something

yet here i am, drinking hot tea.

as much as i love ice cream, i do have to say frozen yogurt is just as delicious.

i'm lactose intolerant yet i love milk and frozen yogurt and ice cream and pizza.

what a diet.

i haven't ridden is awhile but i'm not dying; i think a break is good.

i've started reading franny and zooey by salinger and just bought the hunger games.

i'm annoyed by what bad quality the photo is...

forgive me, i have weird issues with clear images.

now i'm really craving frozen yogurt.

and new shoes.

and maybe a candle.

i hate the internet sometimes.

i'm sitting here drinking tea, naturally, and reflecting.
am i sad that i'm leaving? i can't decide.
will i miss even the slightest thing about home? yes.
will i survive without my dogs? hardly.
will my outlet be music, photography, or running? probably music.
every time i remind myself that i am indeed leaving everything, i get a knot in my stomach.
i'm afraid i'll come back very different; or worse, very much the same.
i hope i can continue blogging while i'm away. maybe this will be my outlet.
i'll be seeing you.
listen: there goes the fear by doves

flickr

i've ridden my new horse a total of five times
and now i'm leaving
i'm afraid all my hard work will go to waste
i'm afraid my legs will weaken
i'm afraid i'll forget how to ride.
the fact that not much is left in my closet finalizes the fact that i am indeed leaving;
leaving horses, dogs, friends, family - my life.
in no way do i want to recreate myself,
yet i'd like to better myself.
grow, i guess.

i leave in a little over a week
i've practically packed up my entire closet
and even remembered post-its and my new calculator.
i can't believe i have three horses.
i saw one of mine for the last time today i think.
i sorta hope he sells and i don't because he's like a big puppy.
this upcoming week is my last at home for a long, long time.
i signed up for some volunteer work - it's my 4th summer doing it and i thought it was a good idea.
the more i think about it the less i want to do it.
i begin tomorrow and dread it like no other.
all i want to do is ride my horses and see my friends.
although, they don't seem to be running to me, even though i will be gone for a few months.
i had a half of a frozen snickers - my guilty pleasure.
i'm really craving chocolate - i always do. it's an addiction.
my god. i really really do not want to go tomorrow.
i just don't like it there.
i wish i could volunteer at a dog shelter with my friend.
i would rather pick up doggy poop than do what i have to next week.
this is my longest blog post i think.
my room feels empty - but it's my closet that is lacking everything.

it is so hot and humid out, i cannot handle it.

both of my horses are for sale, but luckily we're in the process
of purchasing another one. i have a feeling i'll do great things on him.
his name reminds me of someone who should be wearing a top hat and carrying a gold pocket watch.
i leave so soon; my friends have been tearing up. i have to say, i haven't been.
when i think about leaving i get excited. kind of.

my eyes are burning for sleep,

yet it's only 7:30 at night.
i feel really bloated even though i ate dinner two hours ago
and my snack consisted of ginger crisps and tea.
i'm so excited for winter and snow and bundling up.
when i was little i would have hot coco and oatmeal every morning
for breakfast and watch mr. rogers.
i remember our carpet had red flowers on it with a navy background
and it was always chocolate powder - either ovaltine or nesquik.
i miss those days; those lazy days. i wish it was normal to want to be alone.
i often find myself not wanting to be around people.
i like my company and doing things i feel like doing whenever i want to.
i don't think i'd call this anti-social. no, independent perhaps.
i'm so tired...